There and Back Again

The end of a Chapter

Like a book one Chapter of my life closed today. It was a chapter that started back in highschool and has been a defining point of my life over the last 7 years. Megan and I had our good times and our bad, but i guess over the last couple years the bad have been more prelevant.

I’m no longer engaged to be married to Megan, were no longer dating, were nothing but friends. Its been a long time since this has been our status, and I hope I can remember how to be just a friend to her, so I don’t lose this part of our relationship as well. It would be really hard to lose my future wife and my best friend at the same time.

Now this might seem sudden to many of you, but thats really cause im a private person, the wedding was called off around Christmas and we’ve been on a “break” since then. This weekend I took a couple days off and went to visit Megan, it was only meant to be as a friend. On sunday we drove to San Francisco and stayed at a really nice hotel, on monday we went an toured alcatraz before driving back. It was fun (well except for the rain on monday) about on par with the normal vacation I plan. They never go as good as I hope but it was still and ok time and a good memory.

Of course the only problem with the trip was me lying to myself, It wasn’t just a trip to visit a new city and spend some time talking to my best friend. I also hoped to find a spark, just a little one, not one that started our relationship back up, I know were not really ready for that, but one that said it was possible in the future. One that said after Megan was back from visiting her family in Michigan for the summer that it was ok for to feel each other out again. That I might ask her out on a date and she might say yes, that there was still love left.

And I felt that spark in me, walking around the city, being amazed by insanely steep hills, and laughing at each others jokes. Running in from the rain, taking a nap. I felt a spark that made me want to give it another try, but I could tell Megan didn’t, and I kept having those moments when the past krept in, we were sitting at a cafe eating breakfast and I wanted to reach across the table and hold her hands like we had done so many times in the past. But I knew we weren’t there anymore so I didn’t and instead I would sigh and get a far off look and Megan would ask if I was ok. And what do you say, sure i’m ok but I would be better things hadn’t fallen apart. I wish I would have opened up that morning to her, I don’t know if it would have made a difference but I would have had something instead of reget I have now.

So today Megan got up early to write a paper, she woke me up (I was sleeping on the couch) making coffee, it was nice to not wake up missing her. It was cold so I went back to sleep in her bed while she wrote, it was so comforting falling asleep to the soft pounding on the keyboard. She woke me up an hour latter, we went on a walk got some breakfast, it was nice, conversation, activity, closeness, but I just couldn’t the complication of our past and what I wanted out of things.

Around 11 I drove Megan to the eye doctor and then we went to Toast for lunch, its a nice little cafe, more of a normal restaraunt then Megan and I had talked about starting, but very charming. There were a number of ackward moments at lunch, I just couldn’t stop staring at Megan, she seemed so stunning in that shirt, she was everything I had fallen in love with. The food was good, I drove her home, before she left the car I applogized about all the akward moments over the weekend, she seemed grateful that I had done that instead of brining up how much I still loved her.

I got in the car and drove off, stopped and got some gas and a bottle of water, I could have drove home sent a text message when I got in, and had a nice fullfilling vacation. But my mind was racing my emotions took control and I sent a nice simple text message

I still love you

I couple minutes latter I got the reply

Im just not there any more. We’ve had our time. Its over.

That was more then I could take, I pulled off the highway and tried calling, I got voice mail, Megan must have already been in class, I left some stupid message about wanting the ring back. I sent a couple more text messages and another voice mail. She messaged back to STOP. I did. My mind raced and I focused on driving, focused on my future, focused on what I needed to do to manage.

Its not like i didn’t know it was over, or even that that small statement was how Megan felt, there was no spark, a couple weeks ago Megan told me her theory on Love, she even let me read a story she wrote about it. Its a pretty simple message, all relationships fail, its the time along the way that matters, the journey that counts. It wasn’t what i wanted to hear, I think all that means, is its ok to give up. 7 years of good times and bad, relationships don’t have to be treated as investments into your future, into your soul, there a fun journey you should enjoy and push aside when things get tough, what matters is your happy now.

I just don’t know what to think about that, and like I said the problems aren’t new, we’ve been in a long distance relationship for 4 years, and when I graduated I didn’t move to LA for Megan, I didn’t even hold up to my promise of working remote half the time to spend more time with Her. I had the time, I had the energy and I let us slip away. And then in January I saw how foolish I had been, i started making changes hoping that getting my priorities straight working for what i really wanted would fix Megan and I, that it would give my another chance, i chance i so despertly wanted. But at least at this point it didn’t. And i feel like pushing the way I did today means it never will.

So you close a chapter and you open a new one.

Whats that mean for me, for my life here in Phoenix, for my job. Well I already decided I wasn’t happy here in Phoenix working as a consultant for Cisco. That doesn’t mean I won’t be doing that for a bit longer but it does mean I’m making changes.

First i’ve started to working on changing myself, I work out everyday, i’ve been eating better. I’ve put my prioities in order. And at the top of that list is my relationships with the people I love, and way down the list is work i’ve put at the top for so long.

I’ve decided to leave Phoenix, I wish it could happen right now, but I have a lease and no way short of 5k of getting out of it, so im here until July. I’m thinking of moving to San Diego or to Los Angeles. Yes thats teh same Los Angeles i use to hate, the same one I wouldn’t move to 8 months ago, i’ve changed, and its changed for me. Its a very different city, but if you just give up and let it be itself its a really great place. San Diego is on the list because its possible for me to have a great opportunity there working for a friend in a pure open source php company, pretty close to a dream job right now.

But on the drive home I decided that just moving isn’t enough, I need to do something to challenge myself, to really prove i’m not this boring guy in Phoenix, to foolish to put the effort into what he really wanted.

Taking a dream from Megan, im going to attempt to live in London for awhile. Now i’m not planing on moving there longterm at least not now, but I am hoping to live there for 3-4 months. The great fun in this situation is that if i’m really lucky I can just keep working for Cisco during that time. It would mean some changes in my role at work, but nothing big, just moving me from the one running projects to the one dutifly completing tasks. Tomorrow i’ll talk to my boss Dan and see if its a possibility or if its just wishfull thinking.

After the time in London i’ll move to some place in California, either contining to work for Cisco remotly or finding a new job, depending how the time in London went. I hope that through this I can change enough, that I can grow enough, that I can truly move on from having my heart ripped right out. From relizing that the ship was going under until I started to bail.

While this is out of order I thought about this a lot on my drive today, and I want to put it down.

I’m a pretty simple person, all i really want is someone to share my life with. Someone to hold hands with walking down the street, someone to talk to when i’m sad, someone to share my triumphs with, someone to care about and protect, someone to congradulate when they succeed, someone to poke me in the side and tease me when im being too serious. Someone who makes me want to be a better man.

I just wish i could have figured this out a year ago.

2 thoughts on “The end of a Chapter

  1. Anonymous

    I know how it feels. I’ve been using work to occupy my mind. Might not be a wise solution but heck…